I've Landed!

Friday, September 21, 2018


You may wonder why I seldom blog anymore.
Well, so do I.

I started this blog to track my own aging, the Big Slide.  But frankly I learned aging is not a big slide but an up & down track that leads.........to so many changes in the way we think and operate.

So....one of the horrors of advancing age is we can easily "overshare".  You know, talking about our bunions at the dinner table with others.

Oversharing is just as much about undersharing for such a long long time (since we eat alone and gaze out the window alone) that when there is finally an audience we seem to bubble out in unskilled ways that highlight our....ok, our stupidity.  Filter: off.
Of course part of that is about the fading acumen of our servo-mechanism that for years allowed us to operate without conscious planning and thought, to use "habit" as a friend.....to let the car "lead us" where we want to go.
Not so good anymore is the servo-mechanism of our brain for a lot of us.   
We "forget" to lock the front door!  ( Forgot?? Hell, we never even thought about it!)
We "forget" to take our pills, and, I might add, other important daily things we used to do by rote.
We have to count our change three times and hope to have two matching results.  Or, we just go ahead and probably get robbed rather than reveal our befuddlement.  This is about "time constraints" not about stupidity.  Fast young people wait for us to slowly count and recount our change.

Time is doing funny things...fast, slow, swirl, even forgotten.  Damn!!

Why would you want to blog when your filter is "off" ?

Why would you want to blog when you are having to forego humor for pathos? 

I am still determined to overshare. 
My recent shuttle trip had me sitting beside an 85 yr old whisp of a lady behind the driver. She was so spry getting into the shuttle as I had to lug myself in bit by bit and I am only 74!!
However, she just couldn't remember what town she was getting off in.  It was just a brief stop on her way to the last leg of her long journey.  
"Where am I going?"   "Draper", the bus driver said.    
"I forgot the name of that town again.  where am I getting off?"  
"Draper", he said again.  
I thought about saying, You know, Point of the Mountain,  Draper-Tech where the penitentiary is but she didn't look like she needed that witty crap so, feeling sorry for her, I consoled her.  "You are getting off before me because I am going to Magma."
The shuttle driver took his eyes off the road and turned to look at me and said, "There is no such place as Magma.  You are going to Murray."

I kept my mouth shut the rest of the trip, like most old folks do.

Ok, so I watch the daily updates on earthquakes and am fascinated with magma.  Is that where that stupid mismatched word came from??
Ok, so my sister lived in Magna....still not Magma but close....and she is on my mind since she is dead as is my brother....and I am having visuals of them (when they were young and we played cowboys and Indians) flit through my mind.  Is that where that stupid word came from, popping out of my brain like I was an executive standing in front of crowd, wowing them with my knowledge??

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It's always fun to get away especially when you are old.  And I learned somethings!
There is no such place as Magma.
85 and spry is possible  (not fat, of course).
Denny's is the same everywhere.
My daughter and her children made the trip worthwhile.

Plus I have made up a new big poster for my fridge.

Think before you speak.

It stands beside the one that says:

You can always be rude later.

Ahh......thanks for your visit,

Saturday, September 1, 2018

Siblings and First Cousins

Siblings and First Cousins

We were deceived.
I mean, we let ourselves be deceived.
How can you not be deluded when the oldies live so long!

"We are a family with longevity genes!", we cried.
"Look how long they are living!"

It is true my own mom died very young, but then that was a fluke, a cancer fluke.  And maybe if my dad had treated her right, instead of beating her and leaving her with no health insurance, maybe cancer would have been held at bay.  Maybe.  You never know.

The decade of the 70's is kind of a telling decade.  

First my sister.   Then my younger brother.
Then my first cousin, Rod.  Well, we could all tell why he died in his 70's.  Rough living. 
 But aren't mean people supposed to be extra hardy?

Now,two more first cousins.  A lump on the head ......probably metastatic from somewhere else.  Start looking and start looking BIG!
She won't even answer the phone.
Her sister,with a newly diagnosed aortic aneurysm right above the bifurcation.....big surgery coming up as they try to patch and stent.

I look briefly, oh so briefly, in the mirror.  
Who next?
 I ask.

But I really don't want to know.

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I don't play around with rolling things.
Instead, I dye my hair.
To each her own.

Thanks for dropping by,

Sunday, August 5, 2018

Dwelling in Mystery

                                                    Feast on Mystery
                                   Image result for images of the universe       

One of the gifts of old age is, of course, no longer being quite as impressed with the answers as once we were.

Have you ever looked at a News From Science report and thought, "I wish they would make up their minds."

My son, the non-Christian, the non-impressed with the godly, the cynic disagrees with me. 
He says, therefore it must be true, that science does NOT change its mind, but builds upon knowledge.

My son is an interesting specimen for me to study.
The gene pool is gigantic and I will never live long enough on this planet to figure out where these people came from.  The ones from "my" gene pool.

No really reliable answers.  Just your best guess.  Make it scientific.

I love being old because I am not as impressed with answers as once I was.  
I have learned it is the question, not the answer, which feeds our brain and pulls us forward.
Dwelling in mystery is more comfortable once we age enough to get jaded with the answers.

The mysterious surrounds us.  
Mystery is a resource, better than gold, better than silver.
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It is the question that enlarges our consciousness, not the answer.

Feast on mystery.  Was Ralph Waldo right or wrong?
For?  Against?  Neutral?

Keep asking those questions.

But if you find out where my son came from, I would love to see that answer!

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Thank you for your visit.

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Change Your Personality

Change your personality, thank you very much!

Flitting through her numerous memories from living 89 years, she picked a particularly grievous one that put a smile to her face.
Her teeth are beautiful.  Money helps.  And courage!  
As one past-seventy gentleman friend told me about his recent roller coaster ride with his grandson, "Courage had nothing to do with it because I had none.  I just closed my eyes and did it."

Want to enjoy the ride of old age?  Close your eyes!  Just do it!

But I digress.

Hattie was smirking as she told me how, years and years ago,  the college tried to keep her from getting her professorship and the committee who ruled NO had one comment:  she needs to work on her personality for a couple  more years.
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worcester.Consulting Group

Say what??

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Don't want to see an educated bitch fly up in your face?  Then don't trot out "personality" as a  célébrer la cause.
Yeh, she got her professorship. 
Her "legal case" had zero merit, but don't underestimate the sticky fear of bad publicity a big mouth can engender.

Ahh, memories.
She's making new ones because she just told her pastor in no uncertain terms the error of his ways.

Personality. We just can't change it.
Why would anybody even bother to ask?

Entrenched in laughing about the art of aging,

I am who I am.  
I am who I was.
We are who we are.  
We are who we were.
                                   And that's OK.

Thursday, June 14, 2018

With or Without

With or Without

What do old women alone do? 
 They march or crawl or drag on to the finish line, 
with or without.

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Yeh.  Up in the middle of the night.
Not enough bitter chocolate to make me "ok".
Keep trying.

Thank you for your visit to the lonely watch,

You know what my old but feisty cousin told me yesterday?  
Her only daughter is getting married to an ex-con who is already stealing from her.
My cousin said, "I tell God, You have the power to get rid of Satan.  It is time to call a halt to Satan and send Your Son back to earth.  Now is the time!  Send Jesus back to us. Today."

I did not even know my cousin was religious.  I knew she was smart, but this is a new out-loud refrain from her.

Ahh.....gettng old we are.

Friday, June 8, 2018

Cookie Cutter Kids

I'm really a nurse, but now that I am retired I work for the local school district as a substitute school teacher.
I love it.

To begin with I love children.  They are fascinating and so easy to love, understand and forgive.
Besides, there are only about 10 little cookie cutter kids and all the rest are replicas! 
It makes life easy when you only have to learn 10 basic forms and find you have aced the whole unending march of the little ones.

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March.  March.  March.

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Which brings me to the parade grounds. 
The parade grounds.  Known to me as the Twilight Zone, where reside the elders, seniors, oldies but goodies and other trolls. 

Good grief!  No two are alike!

Once upon a time I sort of wondered a bit about God.  He is magnificent and yet He seems to have not created as much diversity in children as you might expect Him to do, looking at the array of plants and animals and then seeing little cookie cutter kids.  Where is the variety?! 

But then I myself arrived on the parade grounds. 
No two of us are even similar!   Image result for images of old people picnicking

Aging.  It is the (final ?) brush of creativity to make sure we are truly unique.
The longer we live, the more unique we become.

No wonder we are a bit hard to understand.

No cookie cutter old people!

Withered and getting witherer,
I thank you for cutting me some slack.

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Friday, June 1, 2018

More and more conscious....

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becoming conscious
becoming more and more conscious & more and more conscious

Conscience is usually conceived of as an inner voice, which says “do this” or “don’t do that”. 
This may be a perfectly usable conception. 
But it may be more accurate to think of conscience as a voice that says 
look at this”.

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 One can manage to look away. 

However, we increase consciousness by listening to our conscience and seeing as it guides.

Pain. The pain of increasing consciousness.Image result for images for feeling sad
                                                                      "They don't love me."


Pain. Becoming global in our awareness.

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The East African

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                                                                                                             BBC News


Pain.     Becoming universal in our awareness.

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Love will get you through.  Oh, not being loved, but loving others.  Be prepared to cry for them.

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I once read, therefore it must be true, that the smarter you are and the more aware you are, the more you suffer.

That's why they invented Red Wine and Chocolate Milkshakes.  

To dull the pain of beholding. 

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Yes. Love


      Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love." 
      And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said: 
      When love beckons to you follow him, 
      Though his ways are hard and steep. 
      And when his wings enfold you yield to him, 
      Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. 

And when he speaks to you believe in him, 

      Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden. 
      For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. 
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. 
      Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, 
      So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. 
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. 
      He threshes you to make you naked. 
      He sifts you to free you from your husks. 
      He grinds you to whiteness. 
      He kneads you until you are pliant; 
      And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast. 
      All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart. 

      But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, 
      Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, 
      into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, 
and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. 

      Love possesses not, nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. 
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God." 
      And think not you can direct the course of love, 
                              if it finds you worthy, it directs your course. 
      Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself. 
      But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: 
      To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. 
      To know the pain of too much tenderness. 
      To be wounded by your own understanding of love; 
      And to bleed willingly and joyfully. 

      To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; 


To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy; 
      To return home at eventide with gratitude; 
      And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips. 

Kahlil Gibran

Monday, September 18, 2017

Brought to Tears

Reading about the life of a great educator and missionary has brought me to tears.

I will paraphrase this missionary's summation of his argument with the Lord that he was a broken reed, and how could God send him as a missionary??

"What, Lord, to the heathen?
To the savages?
To an early death?
To an everlasting separation from home and native land?
I cannot go.
I am a timid youth.
Send anybody but me.
I fear death.  I fear danger.  I am a broken reed."

In infinite sweetness and patience, the Lord said,

 "I promise you something better than courage.  
I promise you My strength.

I promise you something better than long life.  
I will be with you when you walk through the valley of the shadow of death 
and you shall fear no evil."

Praise be unto God.

Love those missionaries!
and I love you for visiting my blog!  Thanks.

Yes, that Christian missionary built Robert College in Istanbul, Turkey in the 1800's.
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The view from Robert College overlooking the Bosphorus as it flows past Istanbul.
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