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Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Super Lifeguard

Things You Learn While Lifeguarding


At 17 she is an experienced and stellar lifeguard.  She loves her job and prefers going in early for the 5am to 9am shift.  I asked Kennedy why ever would she want to get up so early to go to work.
Kennedy was clear.  "I go that early because that is when the old people and the dead beat athletes go and old people are nice.

Except the glutton who says she is  diabetic and has eaten up ALL our sugar pills we keep for swimmers who are getting low blood sugar.
 Image result for images for fat woman swimmingblubberbuster.com

She even demands a piece of your orange if you happen to be eating one.  "I need a piece of that orange", she says.  "I am diabetic!"

"Do you give her a piece of your orange?"
"Oh, yes.  I'd really like to give her a piece of my mind and tell her she is a glutton, but I don't want to be moved to the shift where families clog the pool.  I like the old people and dead beat athletes."

"What is a dead beat athlete?"

"A used-to-be athlete whose time is past and who is in the pool 
re-living the glory days.  Wearing a tight little speed-o with the muffin top hanging over the edge."

"What's a speed-o?"

"You don't know what a speed-o is??!  Well it is obscene.  Tiny.  One old guy wears one that is see through white!  Why would you expose the rest of the world to that body?!  And, oh, Grandma.  You should see them strip down!  So confident.  Very proud.  Gross."

"Are any of the dead beat athletes women?"

"No.  The old women do water aerobics, or so they say.  Actually they hang in their floaties "getting exercise", but really it is just social hour.  Not that I blame them.  I tried to do their exercises in the deep end without a floatie, and I had to tread water constantly and I was so exhausted I decided to never try that again!  So they hang there talking, wearing atrocious bathing suits from out of the 90's.  Their suits are as loose and flabby as they are!  Image result for images for old women water aerobics

I don't understand why they don't buy cute new bathing suits."

"But you like them?"

"Oh yes, old people are nice.  But sometimes the triatheletes come in and they are MEAN.   They are mean to each other and mean to lifeguards.
Image result for images for two men fighting over swimming lane

I had to break up a fight once when two of them were fighting over a lane.  I like old people better."

And all the time we think we are invisible to the young,

PS   When I asked her how she at her young age could break up a fight between triathalon men in their prime, she said "I have a whistle!!  And I blew it so hard everybody in the pool jumped!  Then I climbed down and walked over to the athletes and bent down and talked to them like they were children.  'Here', I said, 'I bet this lane would work for you, and if you took this other lane, I bet that would work out.'  And so they took the lanes I pointed out and the fight was over."