"Why was I spared?"

"I kept asking myself, why was I spared?"

It has been 40 years since she coded (died) and had to be resuscitated.  It was a successful resuscitation and her eyes were opened in a new way to her life.  Now, after 40 years of searching for the meaning of continuing life against the odds, Marian has this year found the answer.  The answer is the life-saving service she is giving to a family member whom no one else could have helped.

To stand as an old person and feel your significance is not really rare.
To have to wait 40 years for the answer to the riddle to be revealed to you is not really rare either.

My own search for meaning is what makes me human, and frankly I think most of that searching is taking place on the twilight landscape of old age.  Aging often sends us back to the drawing board.
 I do not want to believe I am no more significant than a moth, eating, reproducing, dying, bits and pieces of useful fodder fluttering into the teeming life around me.

Ahhhh, the thoughts of the old people.  If you feel these thoughts are "made up", you ain't old!  Consider yourself young and enjoy it while it lasts.

As another friend,Yvonne, said in her late 70's, having buried 2 husbands and 2 children and a beloved granddaughter, "I was walking along the beach with nobody to talk to and I thought Is this it?  Is this, then, all there is?  Is this it?"
Why was Yvonne spared while younger or other family members were not? Of course she wonders! 
"The Thinker", sculpted by Rodin, looks middle aged, maybe even younger and in his prime.  I think he should have been sculpted as an old man.  Gnawing on his hand, he could be on the beach somewhere, engraved: "Is this, then, all there is?"
Actually, I think Rodin should have sculpted him chewing on his fingernails.  (See? I can improve on any great work!)

Surely we are not just higher smarter animals.  We are different, aren't we?  I mean, REAL different?

So, ok, we now know higher animals are way smarter than we used to think they were!
We've learned, they, like us, make tools.
We've learned, they, like us, have somber or noisey "get-togethers" over the dead bodies of deceased members of their group.
We've learned they, like us, have great abilities to communicate with members of their species...even with us (if we put forth the effort!).
We've learned they, like us, can expand their learning, and language and adapt to changing landscapes.  
We've learned, they, like us, develop personal relationships inside their group and outside their group.
We've learned, they, like us, sometimes wage war.

So are we "REAL different" from our animal friends just because we are top of the class while they are more focused on recess?

I am thinking we are different.  Because we search for meaning.
Human beings search for significance.  We look upward without even knowing sometimes why we look up.  I think that upward look is about trying to connect with the Larger Force (whatever we perceive that force to be).  It is a search for meaning, for significance and it is universal.

I have already figured out how insignificant I am....too much evidence to ignore!  For one thing, looking at the political leaders of this world, the "creme de la creme" is frightening .  This is the best we can do?  Scares me for what it means about humanity in general!  Really.  Is this the best we, the masses,  have to put forth to lead us?
Not just American creme de la creme.  Have a look-a-round at the entire world.  Creme de la creme?
 Sometimes we seem so close to the animal kingdom!

I assure my significance by attaching to the Great Significance out There....
Who whispers to me of a world I have never seen nor tasted......... 
Who whispers, "My ways are not your ways and your ways are not My ways."

Thank goodness my brain is not as handy dandy as it used to be.  Because now that the search for significance and attaching is on-going, I must garner instructions from afar, not from mankind, especially not from the creme de la creme.
I must garner instructions from way outside my brain.....beyond the pull of the animal kingdom .....beyond the earth.
(A brain could feasibly get in the way if it were sharper than heck...and you are beginning to wonder about my old brain, aren't you?  Be honest.)  Not to worry.  It was never creme de la creme.
 
I must be a Vessel....an empty Vessel and that is a lot easier to achieve these days.  Another good thing about aging!!!!!

Need to be an empty vessel?   I bet you can achieve it, you oldie but goodie!

Signing off as I try to decide if one more dark chocolate chip will make me feel more significant or less significant,

Thinking of you,
grateful for your visit to this blog,
Riverwatch, the researcher 

PS  I have just discovered that chocolate has a certain cool ability to make you less concerned about your significance.

Yum!  Is it recess time yet?